When we first found out about Bennett having Down syndrome and the heart defect there was a big part of me that did not think he would be born alive or that I would miscarry. I was told that there is a slightly higher stillborn rate with babies that have DS and with the heart defect on top of that I just really thought he might not make it. This was before I started reading about all of these other babies on other blogs that have had the same heart defect that Bennett has as well as DS and how they are doing fine now.
So I hesitated to decorate his room for a while, but came around to doing that and I will post pics soon :) I hesitated to buy any clothes for him, but came around to doing that as well but I did not remove the tags and I saved all the receipts. So depressing to think about, I know, but I just really didn't know and still don't. No one knows what will happen to their baby regardless if they have DS or a heart defect or if they are perfectly healthy.
So today I opened his closet and because I'm trying to get everything ready, (washing the car seat cover, swing cover, neutral colored blankets that Ainsley and Harper used, sheets, etc.) I looked at his cute little clothes and decided it was time, I started taking the tags off so I could wash them and put them in his dresser because I have to believe and have faith in God that everything is going to be okay. I've been having these awful visions that he's born and then for some reason doesn't make it and it really scares me. But I think today was a big step for me to just let go and realize I need to stay positive and stop thinking about what could happen and focus on the joy he is going to bring to all of us. It's strange because right now I'm not worried about the DS or the heart defect so much, I'm more worried about loosing him and never getting to know who Bennett really is. I'm sorry to be so depressing but this is a turning point in the pregnancy for me, instead of focusing on the DS and all the things that can come with that, I just want to have my baby and I don't care if he has DS right now, I just want to bring him home to meet his sister's and grandparents and aunts and uncles and everyone that has been waiting to hold him. It's truly amazing how much love you can have for someone that you've never met before.
I have been where you are! It was a huge step removing all of the tags- I still held on to the receipts until after Lila was home from the NICU. It's a big step of faith- glad you shared it! Hugs and prayers coming your way!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you've turned this corner! I remember having those feeling when Lucy was a newborn, prior to her heart surgery.
ReplyDeleteSince Lucy's birth I have said that I have no regrets that I learned of her Ds and heart defect after birth, but reading your post is the first time that I have truly seen the blessings of the alternative. You are so far along on your journey toward acceptance and peace with Bennett's diagnosis, and he isn't even born yet!! What a blessing for you both!!
God bless little Bennett...I can't wait for the post that says he's here!!!
ReplyDeleteI am excited to "meet" Bennett too! I am an anxious person by nature so I can understand your feelings. I was so glad when both of my boys were in the outside world where I could see them and touch them and know they were okay. Trusting God is so important but not always easy!
ReplyDeleteI think it was a huge step for you to cut off the tags and get his clothes ready for him! I agree with the comment Courtney left... you are already doing awesome (or so it seems to anyone reading your blog) with accepting and making peace with Bennett's diagnosis and being excited just to meet Bennett (without the Ds diagnosis in the mix adding confusion, fear of the unknown, sadness, etc...) You will have a joyful birth filled with excitement and happiness that we all want and hope for, but if you do not know about the diagnosis ahead of time is diminished or overshadowed, unfortunately, by the shock and surprise of the news that your baby has Ds. I know I love Whitney with all of my heart and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, but it was hard when she was born having the joy and happiness mixed with the shock and surprise of her diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteHow many weeks left??? I can't wait to hear the news that Bennett is here!!!
That is such an awesome way to look at it, just stay positive. I am so happy that you know about the heart defect before he is here -- everyone will be prepared and he will be taken care of just like he should be! I can't wait to see his sweet little face.
ReplyDeleteOh, your post made me totally tear up.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how much more I would have worried had I known about Benjamin's DS and heart defects before he was born.
You seem to be doing really well. I'm so glad you are taking baby steps--no pun intended--toward being better about it. Just remember there is no timeline. You might be fine with it one day and cry about it the next. Just be honest, be real, and trust God!!
:)
We didn't know about the DS or Luke's heart defect until after he was born. In many ways I'm glad because I am a bit of a worrier too. My friend always says that there's no point worrying because the things that really knock you off your feet are the ones that totally blindside you, and she's right. Try to stay in the moment. Bennett is a baby first and foremost, everything else is just a feature. Luke is a blessing, and I couldn't love and want him any more than i already do! Bennett will change you and your family more than you can ever know, but it's in a good way. The little things they learn to do become a big celebration. We celebrate things so much that the other day in the car Luke was growling away, and Emily announced as excited as can be "Mummy, Luke just said GRRRRR!" The littlies get really excited too and it's such a joy.
ReplyDeleteI love little babies- give him an extra squeeze from us in NZ when he arrives :)
{{Adr}} I am a superstitious little "b", so I can totally empathize. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to seeing pictures of little baby Bennett in all of his cute outfits!
ReplyDeleteI, too, considered it a big step in my journey when I finally went from worrying about the Ds to just worrying about Ella being born healthy. This was the same worry I had during my pregnancy with my first two children so I finally felt like I back to having a normal pregnancy again. When I think back to the "dark days" when we first found out, I don't think I would have imagined turning that corner...but it does happen and you start to realize how excited you are for this child to join you in life!! You are doing so awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats!!! I cannot wait for you to meet your little guy. He is so loved already! I wish all expectant moms of babies with DS could be as well informed and joyful as you are. Looking forward to meeting him too!!!!
ReplyDeleteI too can't wait to meet sweet little Bennett. Thank you again for sharing your journey and each courageous step that you have taken along the way - including taking off the tags.
ReplyDelete-Libby
Glad to hear you are getting ready because before you know it, that beautiful baby boy will be home snuggled in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog, just stopping by because I saw what you wrote on Bless Our Nest (Shannon's) blog. I was the one who wrote the first comment regarding the president and Special Olympics. My brother is not Downs, but has the mental intellect of about a four year old, so S.O. is a cause very near and dear to my heart. I just want to say that from what I have read, your little one is so lucky to have parents as kind and loving as you. Some with DS (or any kind of disorder or health problem for that matter) aren't so lucky. You have no idea how many rewarding moments you have to look forward to with your special little boy. I certainly think I am a much better person having my brother in my life! I will check back soon to see pics of your beautiful boy.
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