Friday, March 20, 2009

30 Weeks and My Crazy Fantasies...

30 weeks
25 weeks

The torpedo continues to get larger and longer! Not the best picture here but oh well, I'm pregnant and I'm in exercise clothes, that's just how it goes. It's so fun watching your face get a little bit fuller, week after week, really it is;)
Anyways, I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since my last belly pic! If the next five go as fast, that's just a little scary to think Mike and I will soon have 3 little lives to be responsible for. And to think when we first found out about Bennett I thought this was going to be the longest, most depressing pregnancy. But it hasn't at all! It's been my easiest (physically, although not emotionally) of the three and I've met so many people in life and in the blogging world that are wonderful people with wonderful families, so I'm thankful for that.
On another note, I was getting the mail today and I noticed an envelope from a company called Genzyme. Now, I'm going to be perfectly honest here as I have from the beginning, I've had these two crazy fantasies where: 1. The genetic counselor calls and says "I have wonderful news, we've made a huge mistake, your baby does not have Down syndrome, he still has the heart defect of course but your amnio got mixed up with another patient, I am so sorry for all the heart ache this must have caused you" and then I call everyone we know and post it on my blog that the craziest, most unbelievable thing has happened and 2. Bennett comes out and the doctors say, there's no way this baby has Down syndrome and they do an echo and the heart defect is gone. I know, I know, crazy but it runs through my mind, I can't help it. So when I see this envelope I immediately think (just briefly) "What if this is a letter saying they've made a huge mistake and the amnio was mixed up". As if they would send it in a letter, silly, I know! Well, of course it wasn't, it was only the bill for the amnio and I'm so thankful we have insurance! Along with that one, came another bill from CHOP for the fetal echo and I'm even more thankful for our insurance for that bill.
So I know in the past I've said I'm at peace with Bennett having DS and really I am but I guess a very small part of me has not fully accepted it or fully comprehended it. And maybe it will take a long time for that to happen. It's still so hard for me to believe at times, like "Really, I'm going to have a baby that has Down syndrome?" I wonder if even when he gets here I'll be able to really comprehend it. I'm not saying that I can't accept him or won't accept him of course, it's just still a little strange to think it's really happening to us. Just one of those things you think will never happen to you. So I don't know if any one else that has had a prenatal diagnosis had these crazy fantasies like I do. I don't dwell on them or anything and I'm not thinking about them constantly by any means but every once in a while they creep into my head like they did today before I opened the bill.


  1. Hi Adrienne. YES!!!! I had the exact same hopes during my pregnancy. I knew I had accepted everything as it was with Ella having Ds but I still kept thinking at times that they were wrong. I think we have all had the same feelings. But, honestly, now I can't imagine Ella being any different than she is. I wouldn't want her any different and I truly mean that. I think I mentioned previously about a friend of mine who is 4 weeks behind you and also got a prenatal diagnosis. Thank God, they finally decided to keep the baby. I hadn't heard from them for a few weeks and I began to think the worst. I was so relieved when she told me otherwise. I want her to read your blog and see your positive attitude so badly but she isn't really an "online" person and I don't want to keep pushing it. I know the medical worries are still there for you but you will love this baby so much!! I can't wait to see him. Take care. Denise

  2. I didn't get that knowledge of Lillian having Ds before she was born.

    But, from what I hear from those mom's who knew before the birth, once that baby is here your heart just melts and you those thoughts slowly disappear!

    Not that I could change anything either, but my only wish is that I knew before she was born that Lillian had Ds. I know it wouldn't have changed anything, but I just wish I had known beforehand.

  3. Hey Adrienne,

    We didn't know until JEB was born that he had DS, but you know.....I wouldn't change anything. He has truly blessed our lives so much....GOD knew we needed him in our house.

    Yes, there are days when I just want him to be a normal kid of know, doing homework and being in 3rd grade and doing stuff third graders would do.....instead he's still working on the potty-training thing, can't talk like every other child but doing and learning more every day it seems like, playing phonics games on the computer and playing baseball, hockey and whatever sport he can get his hands on and eating us out of house and home!!!!! BUT that's ok.......

    I have had moments of asking why??? or being frustrated that I just want him to be normal.....but then I remember that GOD chose Jn and I to be blessed by JEB and it's ok. It makes you plan differently for the future and wonder who will take care of him if something happens to you, but that's ok too. Will he grow up and get married and give me grandchildren??? Probably not, but that's ok too!!

    You are not the only one to wish the circumstances were different.....but GOD has a'll see it in Bennett....just wait and see!!! Can't wait to see him!!

  4. First of all, you look great!! I'm so glad this has been an easy pregnancy for you. :)

    I didn't find out until Benjamin was born that he had DS, and I am *SOOOO* glad. Looking back, I am just extremely glad that we didn't know for many reasons.

    It took me probably 9.5 months until I was "okay." It was about 1.5 months ago. I suddenly realized that I didn't remember the last time I had cried about it, and the ache seemed to have lessened. A lot.

    I'm sure there are many hard times ahead, as the differences between B and his peers are more evident. But with two major surgeries behind us, and he's SITTING (YAY!!!), I'd say we're doing pretty well. :)

    Oh, and it doesn't mean you're any less of a mom or you don't love Bennett any less that you wish it was all a mistake!!! I know the debate has been making its way through the blog world of whether or not moms of kids with DS would "wish it away," and what that means. But we can't do it anyway, and it just gets all complicated b/c so much of the diagnosis shapes our kids' personalities. I know B is much happier and SO much more determined than my typical son. Is it the DS or just Benjamin? Who knows? But I'd take away the struggles and disability in a heartbeat!!


  5. Adrienne, it's a process. I cannot speak from the experience of having a prenatal diagnosis, as we did not learn of Finn's Ds until after he was born, but I can tell you that the road to coming to terms is a process that takes time, lots and lots of time. Eight+ months later, I'm still not completely there. There will be days when you will feel completely okay with it, and other days when the sadness hits you and you wish . . . what if . . . what if . . . if only . . . And it's okay. Feel the feelings. None of them mean you don't love your son and won't embrace him - I have no doubt that you will. But it's a process.

    You look wonderful, by the way :)

  6. Adrienne: You look fabulous...and so HAPPY! And, that makes everybody happy!! Love you. Aunt Molly

  7. Adrienne I still have these fantasies and my baby is 3.5 weeks old now. He has some of the physical signs but they are fairly subtle which makes all the easier to secretly have the fantasy that is was all mistake. I KNOW he has Down syndrome, but there is still a part of me that is some kind of denial. Like the other poster said it is a process. On the other hand I've learned to aceept that we are all a product of what God has given us, and also we all must work to reach our potential. My son is no different.

  8. You look fantastic!! Wow, time is flying. (maybe not from your perspective) I had a prenatal diagnosis and for me it was a real blessing. It gave us time to absorb Sydney's diagnosis. She is 20 months old now and there are days that I still step on Down syndrome landmines. They will happen, but they will pass. I can't wait to see pictures of your little darling.

  9. Adrienne, I had those fantasies too. We did not know until Reid was born but with every new Dr. or nurse that came into our hospital room I kept fantasizing that they would tell me all was well, it was a mistake. I even had moments of feeling angry like, "why aren't they figuring this out yet, that it is a mistake" and felt this internal anger when no one was offering me that news, only confirming what every other visitor told us. I chose not to have an amnio, but truly I believe you are soooo many steps ahead of where I was on Dec. 28, 2006 when Reid was born. In a way I envy the peace you have begun to make, I look back on Reid's birthday with such sadness for how I felt. You get to embrace him emotionally right away, you will hold him close and know that though he has DS he will be so normal because you have started this journey earlier and met families a few steps ahead of you that would not trade their child for any other...extra chromosome and all. I had to learn all that as I went. I think your fantasies are part of your continued journey to acceptance and completely normal...I also believe you are going to be an amazing mom to Bennett!!

  10. Adrienne...YOU LOOK AMAZING! AND YES! I had these pregnancy fantasies as well. Being that we were prenatally diagnosed...I thought about it a lot...even up until the point that I saw him, I think that is a normal feeling. Of course I didn't see the DS right at birth, but then the nurses pointed out the simian crease in his hands, and the little gap between his big toe and second toe...BUT SERIOUSLY I WAS IN LOVE! You will seriously MELT! And think WHY did I ever worry?
    Bennett is going to be so blessed to be in such a wonderful family! But yes, what you are feeling is NORMAL and was felt by me...I can so remember like it was yesterday that way you are feeling now...but wouldn't change a thing about anything we have gone through! I just love our little guy and THANK GOD everyday for him! You will too!

  11. Ditto on the comments of how amazing you look. And just to let you know, wishing your child didn't have Down syndrome certainly doesn't mean you don't love him/her, and want the world for your child, its just-hate to say-typical feelings. I remember looking at him after he was born, and thinking "he doesn't have Ds, I don't see it". Now I look at his photos and just laugh. A mother's love, it surrounds your child, no matter what.

  12. I love the belly shots! You look great. I've been meaning to post some too:) I agree with many of the posters above, your feelings are normal and part of the process. We had a post natal diagnosis with Matthew and during the 23 days while he was in the NICU, I waited at his bedside and thought for sure someone was going to tell me the genetic test was wrong. I felt the same way for months after he came home. The lessened considerably as we adjusted to not only the diagnosis but life as a family of four. It's okay to have these feelings! I can't wait to see pictures of your little man.

  13. My daughter is 5 months old and we did not know about the DS until the birth. The Dr told my husband while i was still asleep after the delivery and my husband was given the task of telling me while Anya was still in the NICU. I wish I had the chance to hold my baby once before I knew about the DS so I could have felt the unadulterated joy of having a child without the worries. I kept waiting for them to tell me it was a mistake. Stupidly enough I still sometimes think we'll go to the dr and she'll say "why does the chart say DS? Your baby doesnt have DS - this must be a mistake". I even think sometimes before going to bed that I'll wake up and still be pregnant and this will only have been one of those vivid pregnancy dreams and I'll have a baby without DS. Its taken a few months but we're doing ok - it would actually have been easier if I hadnt read so much depressing research and hadnt listened to drs and therapists telling me "your baby will be able to dress herself and feed herself" - really - thats not something you can be excited about when up until a day before you had dreams of her going to Harvard! and the constant Dr appointments and therapies were overwhelming at first too. but we are blessed that she had no serious medical problems and she's getting cuter everyday.

  14. You look great! And at 30 weeks, you're really in the home stretch now. How exciting.
    We didn't know Brennan had Ds until after he was born, but even after the doctor's told us they were 90% certain, I still had thoughts or hopes that they would come back and tell us they were wrong - it's a natural feeling. Can't wait to hear of baby Bennett's arrival!


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