I'd be lying if I said the past year hasn't been hard.
I think we all know someone that has cancer, has died from cancer, or is a survivor of cancer.
But when that someone is in your family, it hits home. When that someone is your dad, it breaks your heart.
I've never had someone this close to me have a terminal disease. I've never put so much effort into trying to do whatever I could to keep the word terminal out of the picture.
When I found out just a little over a year ago that my dad had melanoma, I immediately threw myself into research mode. At the time, his melanoma wasn't even that bad or so we thought but I did this when I found out about Bennett having Down syndrome too.
I do this with everything in life. I try to take total control over the situation because that's where I feel most comfortable.
Night after night, I researched drugs, clinical trials, read blogs, joined forums, anything I could do to try and help my dad. I had such a strong hold on my dad's melanoma that I felt if I didn't tell my mom about this trial or this drug that his disease would progress. As if I had control over it.
Of course I prayed but I still had not given my dad's cancer to God, for Him to handle. I wanted to clutch it tightly because I had put so much effort into trying to help my dad find the best options to beat it.
Not a day went by that melanoma didn't cross my mind.
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate what it's done to my dad. I hate that my dad is in pain. I hate that he is now in a wheelchair because of these damn melanomas that have spread throughout his body. I hate that my mom has to watch her husband endure painful surgeries, battle through treatments, take drugs that make him feel worse. I hate that my parents have been told bad news time and time again. I hate that my girls know their granddaddy has melanoma and that it just won't go away.
Hate is a strong word and I rarely use it but I HATE MELANOMA.
Things aren't good right now. My dad is not doing good. By no means have I given up trying to help my dad and I don't believe he has given up either but I've finally come to realize that it's time to let go, let go of the grip I've had on this disease and let God take it. As much as I want to, I can't stop it.
My dad is in the hospital right now. This wasn't planned. We were hoping that he would start a new treatment but this disease is rapidly trying to take over. I will be going to see him this weekend with my sister and we could use your prayers. My mom could use your prayers. My dad could use your prayers.
Sometimes it's hard to know when to let go of the control that you think you have and to just hand it over but I think when the time comes, you just know. You probably should have never tried to hold onto it so tightly in the first place.
I love you dad. I wish I could make it all better like you've always tried to do for me.