Thursday, April 28, 2011

When Do You Let Go and Just Let God?


I'd be lying if I said the past year hasn't been hard.

I think we all know someone that has cancer, has died from cancer, or is a survivor of cancer.

But when that someone is in your family, it hits home. When that someone is your dad, it breaks your heart.

I've never had someone this close to me have a terminal disease. I've never put so much effort into trying to do whatever I could to keep the word terminal out of the picture.

When I found out just a little over a year ago that my dad had melanoma, I immediately threw myself into research mode. At the time, his melanoma wasn't even that bad or so we thought but I did this when I found out about Bennett having Down syndrome too.

I do this with everything in life. I try to take total control over the situation because that's where I feel most comfortable.

Night after night, I researched drugs, clinical trials, read blogs, joined forums, anything I could do to try and help my dad. I had such a strong hold on my dad's melanoma that I felt if I didn't tell my mom about this trial or this drug that his disease would progress. As if I had control over it.

Of course I prayed but I still had not given my dad's cancer to God, for Him to handle. I wanted to clutch it tightly because I had put so much effort into trying to help my dad find the best options to beat it.

Not a day went by that melanoma didn't cross my mind.

I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate what it's done to my dad. I hate that my dad is in pain. I hate that he is now in a wheelchair because of these damn melanomas that have spread throughout his body. I hate that my mom has to watch her husband endure painful surgeries, battle through treatments, take drugs that make him feel worse. I hate that my parents have been told bad news time and time again. I hate that my girls know their granddaddy has melanoma and that it just won't go away.

Hate is a strong word and I rarely use it but I HATE MELANOMA.

Things aren't good right now. My dad is not doing good. By no means have I given up trying to help my dad and I don't believe he has given up either but I've finally come to realize that it's time to let go, let go of the grip I've had on this disease and let God take it. As much as I want to, I can't stop it.

My dad is in the hospital right now. This wasn't planned. We were hoping that he would start a new treatment but this disease is rapidly trying to take over. I will be going to see him this weekend with my sister and we could use your prayers. My mom could use your prayers. My dad could use your prayers.

Sometimes it's hard to know when to let go of the control that you think you have and to just hand it over but I think when the time comes, you just know. You probably should have never tried to hold onto it so tightly in the first place.

I love you dad. I wish I could make it all better like you've always tried to do for me.
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23 comments:

  1. So very sorry to hear about your dad. Praying for you and your family. Watching a family member go through cancer is a terrible thing. I had to do it with my mom 24 years ago.

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  2. I will be praying for strength for all of you. I hope you are getting some rest yourself, as I know how tiring worry and stress can be. Love to you from across blogland...

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  3. Tears for all of you, Adrienne. And prayers...always prayers.

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  4. Adrienne, I think I know how you are feeling. I pray for strength for you and your family and I pray for relief from pain for your dad. You are in my thoughts everyday. Take care of yourself and your mom. Big Hugs!

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  5. I'm so sorry Adrienne, I can't even begin to know how you are feeling right now. I'll be praying. Hugs to you!

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  6. I'm praying for your dad and your family.

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  7. Praying for complete healing and for peace for you!

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  8. I will be praying for strength and peace for your Dad and family.

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  9. Thinking about you..and your family...hugs...

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  10. Oh Adrienne...sending comfort and support your way...

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  11. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. I am so very sorry that you are going threw this I know that it is so very hard. My father in law just a month ago was told he has lung cancer. I have seen him go from a healthy looking man to skin and bones. I have seen my husband cry every night and stuggle with the fact that no matter how hard he tries he can not fix this. My father in law had decided long ago that he would not do any treatment but we thought that we would have atleast 6 months or so before things got as bad as they have. My heart breaks for you and your family cancer is evil and I HATE IT!!!!

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear your Dad is doing worse. Letting go is hard. I think it makes me feel like I don't have faith because I'm not "fighting". But, really it takes more faith to let go and really give it to the Lord. Being still and knowing he's God is scary. But, it's trusting him. I will be praying for peace for your family and healing for you Dad.

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  14. Adrienne, I cried when I read this, because I remember going through the same emotions and feelings 7 years ago when my own father, my best friend, battled cancer. It's such a tough fight on so many levels. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. enjoy spending time with your father this weekend.

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  15. So sorry, I lost my dad to lung cancer a little over 5 years ago. I understand all the feelings and emotions, cancer is horrible, and to watch your dad go throught it, is one of the hardest things ever. I will pray for you and your family.

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  16. My heart breaks for you Adrienne, I know how you are feeling, today we will travel to NJ to spend the day with my grandmother, she turns 80 today and she has terminal cancer, and just started chemo this last week, it has already spread through out her body and the end is inevitable although she is still in decent health. I find myself holding onto moments when I am around her, wanting them to last for a long time. Taking snapshots with my mind, over and over again. I will continue to pray for your dad, and your family. Thank you for this post, I will try too to let it go and let God.
    love ya!

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  17. Have been keeping you and your family in my prayers since I read this post. It is so heartbreaking to hear. It is evident from your posts how close you are with your dad and what a special bond he has with your children. Will continue to pray for strength and peace for all of you...

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  18. I am so sorry Adrienne.....I will be thinking of you and your family.....

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  19. So sorry things aren't going well for him right now. Praying for all of you :)

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  20. rarely can I say "I know how you feel" although I don't know what it is like to see a parent go through this terrible disease I have told you before my sister had it also. I hate what it did to her and I hate that we had to watch her become so weak. She was so strong and fought it for 10 months. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wish there was something else we could have done. Sometimes I think should to raise awareness and the seriousness of melemona which we did not realize was so serious at first.

    {{Hugs}} my friend I pray it gets better b/c I know this is a difficult time for all of you

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  21. I'm in tears over this and your pain and your dad's pain. Oh Adrienne, I'm so sorry. Prayers.

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  22. I am praying for you! I understand your emotions somewhat my dad was diagnosed with melanoma 3 years ago, he has had to major surgeries and a year worth of interferon and so far there are no signs of any melanoma thank God, but it has been so so hard to watch what all he has gone through and the affects that the treatment has had on him. God's blessings on you and your family.

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  23. Cara and Kevin SmithMay 18, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    Hello Adrienne, It's Cara Smith, Diane Wicksel's cousin. I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through, as I lost my dad over 10 years ago to Pancreatic Cancer. All I can say is that it's just very painful! There's nothing else to say. I still think about my dad everyday ... to me it still feels like it all happened yesterday.
    Hold on to every memory and keep him in your heart always! Call me any time. You're in my thoughts.

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