Monday, July 20, 2009

I Knew.

As Bennett approaches 2 months and we've started the therapy, we've visited the cardiologist, I've spoken to the local Down syndrome center and we've let the diagnosis sink in now that he's actually here, I've been reflecting on the day my world was turned up side down, the day I knew my baby had Down syndrome. It wasn't the day I got the phone call from the genetic counselor about the amnio results. It was the very instant the doctor walked into the exam room just days before I got that call. The second I saw her face, I knew. I know I've written about it in my very first post but I've started to think about the people I talked to that day and all the hope they tried to offer me. And how everyone of them assured me that it was a false positive and that they had a friend that was in a similar situation and the baby turned out to be fine or there was a relative that had these results but their baby didn't have Down syndrome. I remember talking to my sister who said it was probably nothing and that the baby would be fine and to not get too upset since I didn't know for sure. But I did.



I remember getting the urgent call from the nurse telling me to come back and that they could get me in for an ultra sound because they didn't have a clear date as far as how many weeks I was and maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought(this can cause false positives) but I knew, I knew I was 17 weeks. I remember agreeing to all of these people saying, yes, you're probably right but all along I knew, I really knew I was the 1 out of the 1 in 10 chance that the doctor told me hours before. As the ultrasound tech looked at Bennett she measured things- everything so far was measuring at 17 weeks and my heart sank a little but then she said things like "oh, there's a nasal bone- that's good, heart looks good, from what I can see" and then she measured one of the femur bones and I saw 15 weeks pop up on the screen and my heart grew heavy because I knew this was a marker. Still she had hope in her voice "well, that can be a soft marker but it could be nothing". After all the hope everyone had given me that day and of course they meant well, I left knowing once again, that the baby inside me had Down syndrome.

As I drove home from the ultrasound I prayed and asked God to just give me peace. I had been crying for a good part of the day and my head hurt, my eyes were swollen and I just wanted peace no matter what the outcome would be in the next few days. And it was almost instantly that I felt this overwhelming peace. It's hard to explain. It was as if all the sadness and worry of that day left and all I felt was warmth and relief. Not that I didn't cry or feel pain in the days to come but for that time that I was alone in the car I knew that it was going to be okay whether the baby had Down syndrome or not. God knew that I was hurting and that I needed something right then and there that perhaps no human could offer.

Now when I look over the crib in our room and I watch Bennett as he sleeps, he is the most peaceful little baby. I get that same feeling of peace I felt in the car each and every time I look at him as if God is saying it's going to be okay.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."-Jeremiah 29:11


30 comments:

  1. Oh, Adreinee!
    What a wonderful post! Similar to my own personal story with Molly. I knew at 8 weeks, I knew at the 20 week, and then, THEN I saw those beautiful eyes on her birthday and I still KNEW!! And yes, she so sweet and wonderful! How lucky we are! I am glad that you found the peace--that is truly a blessing.

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  2. Our stories are so similar. Enjoy the journey, it is a beautiful one. Hold tight to the Psalm- I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Not only did you know, God knew. And Bennett is exactly as He intended him to be.

    Hugs!

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  3. I just bawled like a baby reading that. You are a mother, Bennett's mother. And that's how you "knew"...You are so blessed to have him as your son and he is just as blessed to have you as his mother!

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  4. Such a wonderful post. I must say, he is a beautiful boy!

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  5. Wow. I am in tears!!! LOVE the new blog design, BTW, and the crib sheet under B!

    See, I didn't know until I knew, so I had little time to process. Interesting how everyone's situation is different and how we are are grateful that God unfolded His will to us as He did.

    Bennett is just adorable, and he is blessed to have been born into such a wonderful family.

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  6. Great post--what a beautiful baby boy you have.

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  7. What a beautiful post! I really needed to read that today. I was feeling a bit discouraged and you helped remind me that God is in control and that He has a hope and a future for Joel and that everything IS going to be okay - maybe even better than okay!

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  8. You were made to be his mother and God had a plan. You once told me, "Let go, Let God." I believe that now with all my heart. Your family is so beautiful!
    --Jen Underwood

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  9. Wow, this story could have been my own--thanks for wording it so well.

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  10. A beautiful post!! He is a beautiful child and you are a great mother!

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  11. You've brought tears to my eyes. I know the feeling you describe. I feel it too everytime I see Joaquin's face. He grounds me. Thank you for your beautiful post.

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  12. I know exactly of the peace you are referring to. I "knew" before I knew for sure also. But once I got the actual results it still hit me hard. But by the next day after finding a blog and seeing a beautiful little girl looking back at me, I felt that reassuring peace fall over me that you are talking about. Thank God for that peaceful feeling. It made the next few months so much easier. Bennett is absolutely beautiful!!

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  13. What a sweet post. And that picture!! He really looks like an angel. What a sweetheart.

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  14. Ahhh, you're one of the lucky mommas to "know" beforehand and then to be able to hold your precious baby when he's born. And to "know" that God will take care of you and him and give you peace. God Bless you for "knowing" and being open to receiving a gift such as Bennett.

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  15. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

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  16. What a wonderful post & you are such a great Mommy. What a wonderful little boy you have. HUGS :)
    Caroline

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  17. what a great post, I think you summed up what many of us have felt. Beautiful little boY!

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  18. What a wonderful Mommy you are! It's amazing what love and pride you will have for him. And his milestones will be all the more meaningful. What a beautiful post.

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  19. Great post, Adrienne!!! Even though we didn't know for sure until he was born, I had a couple of those tests early on that showed it was possible....you know, the alpha-feta protein that came back low....but the ultrasound looked fine.....no indications according to the perinatologist. BUT when he was born the neonatologist confirmed it....but spent a lot of time trying to tell Jn and I how hopeful things were. We were all over it....trying to look up everything we could and learn as much as we could.

    No matter what though, GOD sent B to you for a very specific reason. You may never know what it is but GOD chose you and Mike to be the parents to B, who needs special parents to love him and nurture him, because he is a special boy.

    I look at JEB and know that he loves me and Jn w/o question. We are the center of his little world, and that no matter what - he'll always be there to love on me and give me hugs and say sweet things to his mom. I don't have to worry about him leaving home at 18, and while I hope he would be able to live on his own in a garage apt. right next door, it's ok if he can't. While there are some days it makes me so sad that I won't know the things 'regular' parents get to experience with their children....it's ok. I'm glad GOD chose us to be his parents.

    BTW, he is precious!

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  20. What a beautiful post! I love that verse from Jeremiah. When we had Lucy baptized, that was one of the verses in a prayer book she was given as a gift. Until I read that verse I had been so terrified. I had this impossibly tiny infant with a big old hole in her heart, and we were facing all of the unknowns that accompany open heart surgery. But, when I read that verse for the first time, I had the most overwhelming sense of peace and comfort envelope me. It does my heart good to know that you have found that same comfort in it.

    xoxo

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  21. I've always been drawn to DS children--- I think they just have the most beautiful souls ever. I've never met one I didn't love! It breaks my heart when I read that almost 90% are aborted. But every time I read a story like yours, my heart smiles at the joy these children bring their parents. If those 90% could only read these blogs before they make that decision. *Sigh*
    I would LOVE to adopt one--- have wanted to for YEARS, but can't get hubby on board. (He's already adopted my two oldest girls... so I can't complain about him.)
    I've even dreamed about my DS son, Andrew. yes, I named him. LOL Your Bennett looks just like my dream baby. He is absolutely GORGEOUS!!! Just wanted to let you know that there are people out there, that do not have a ds child, that will NOT see a defect in him. That will accept him for who he is---- and LOVE him BECAUSE of who he is! God is good! =)
    PS I worked with a Sp Ed teacher that taught only ds children for 30 years and LOVED it! She was such a happy person and had a deep abiding love for her kids. The kids adored her, too! I pray for teachers like that for Bennett.

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  22. Our stories are very similar in many ways. I didn't know until she was born, but nevertheless it was shocking then too. However, I look at my Gaby who is now 2 years old and she is the most peaceful and loving child. I am also a better person b/c of her. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. God bless you. xoxo

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  23. How familiar that sounds but for me it was after having the baby and waiting on the test results. I knew too and when I walked out of the doctor's office after finding out the news, I felt nothing but peace. I knew everything would be fine.

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  24. This is beautiful. It choked me up.

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  25. Me again......know that I'll be praying for you guys tomorrow.......keep us posted!

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  26. It's always interesting reading other peoples stories about the diagnosis. I knew the second the phone rang the morning my OB called with the amnio results. Love your new blog look btw.

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  27. Adrienne - what a beautiful post! I have been reflecting a lot on the fact that we didn't "know" and wondering how we didn't know? I reflected on the three ultrasounds I had, the one at 20 weeks where there was no indication, but one comment from the US Dr., "everything looks good, from what we can see." It is the only thing that I am haunted by. We had a 3D/4D US at 28 weeks and again no mention. Not until I saw that baby show at about 34 weeks with the woman that delivered and the baby was dx at the hospital did I give it pause. I do remember all the friend that told me that the two people she knew over 35 had babies with DS. Wow, was that God whispering to me too? Maybe he had told me all along and I never listened. Regardless we have both been blessed with precious gifts. Thanks for your inspiration and I am here praying for you and Bennett too. Hope today went well, anxious to read your post! Hugs! Lara

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  28. He really does lift us up when we are broken, hurting, and yet having an open heart, doesn't He? Beautiful Adge. Thank you for sharing so much with all of us. Love to you.

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  29. I guess I'm in tears as I read your beautiful story becuase I realize as I've been praying about whether to try for a 3rd child I keep hearing my doctor's voice in my head saying "at your age, 38 now, your chances of having a baby with downs is 1 in 180", I think... So I'm sure I haven't really heard God because I'm letting fear overtake me. Your story reminds me to trust that God has a plan, so no matter whether my baby has downs or not, He is in control and all will be ok because if I have faith and trust in Him, He will give me peace that surpasses all understanding. Enjoy your blessing!

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