I remember getting the urgent call from the nurse telling me to come back and that they could get me in for an ultra sound because they didn't have a clear date as far as how many weeks I was and maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought(this can cause false positives) but I knew, I knew I was 17 weeks. I remember agreeing to all of these people saying, yes, you're probably right but all along I knew, I really knew I was the 1 out of the 1 in 10 chance that the doctor told me hours before. As the ultrasound tech looked at Bennett she measured things- everything so far was measuring at 17 weeks and my heart sank a little but then she said things like "oh, there's a nasal bone- that's good, heart looks good, from what I can see" and then she measured one of the femur bones and I saw 15 weeks pop up on the screen and my heart grew heavy because I knew this was a marker. Still she had hope in her voice "well, that can be a soft marker but it could be nothing". After all the hope everyone had given me that day and of course they meant well, I left knowing once again, that the baby inside me had Down syndrome.
As I drove home from the ultrasound I prayed and asked God to just give me peace. I had been crying for a good part of the day and my head hurt, my eyes were swollen and I just wanted peace no matter what the outcome would be in the next few days. And it was almost instantly that I felt this overwhelming peace. It's hard to explain. It was as if all the sadness and worry of that day left and all I felt was warmth and relief. Not that I didn't cry or feel pain in the days to come but for that time that I was alone in the car I knew that it was going to be okay whether the baby had Down syndrome or not. God knew that I was hurting and that I needed something right then and there that perhaps no human could offer.
Now when I look over the crib in our room and I watch Bennett as he sleeps, he is the most peaceful little baby. I get that same feeling of peace I felt in the car each and every time I look at him as if God is saying it's going to be okay.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."-Jeremiah 29:11