Up until...hmmm, right about NOW! We've known about Bennett's heart defect and that it would require a surgical repair since February of this year. The surgical success rate for this particular defect is in the high 90's, percentage wise. I've looked at pictures of little ones right after this type of surgery to prepare myself and yes it's scary to picture Bennett like this but I think I can handle it and it's only temporary. Yet, I still find myself struggling some with my BIG "What If". I don't think I need to tell you what this BIG "What If" is either. I guess any time someone goes into surgery there is THE "What If" that goes along with that. I find this "what if" sneaking up on me during my daily activities- when I get on the treadmill, there it is. When I'm taking a shower, there it is again. And worst of all when I look at my sweet Bennett's face and see him smile (which he's starting to do a lot by the way), there it is and it breaks my heart. I know I have to force this thought out of my head and literally cast all my fears and anxieties on God but I hate that this thought keeps coming up in my head. I know it's not from God though so as soon as it enters my head I try to ignore it. Besides it's out of my hands, as if worrying about it would change the outcome.
I think through out this whole process (finding out that Bennett had Down syndrome during pregnancy and his heart defect) I've realized that you can literally waste your life away worrying. You can really miss out on the joys of life. There are so many things that I could worry about concerning Bennett now, next year and 10 years from now but it won't change anything and it only brings me grief so why bother? There is a reason God tells us to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own"-Matthew 6:34. He wants us to enjoy each day as we live it and to not worry or plan so much into the future and to rely on him and let him handle our worries.
It's funny because sometimes I feel like if Bennett could talk he'd say "Mommy, I know I'm kind of a big deal and all ;) but this Down syndrome thing really isn't, in the grand scheme of things, so chill out and relax!" He is totally oblivious to all of our worries and concerns and is happy and "as cool as a cucumber". So maybe I should follow his lead through out this journey. Obviously he is a baby and doesn't know any better but just because I do, by worrying it's almost like I'm assuming the worst will happen and not being faithful to God.
So I'm already feeling better about the surgery- just surrounding myself with positive thoughts now and I will try to get back to being "as cool as a cucumber" before Friday!:)