Up until...hmmm, right about NOW! We've known about Bennett's heart defect and that it would require a surgical repair since February of this year. The surgical success rate for this particular defect is in the high 90's, percentage wise. I've looked at pictures of little ones right after this type of surgery to prepare myself and yes it's scary to picture Bennett like this but I think I can handle it and it's only temporary. Yet, I still find myself struggling some with my BIG "What If". I don't think I need to tell you what this BIG "What If" is either. I guess any time someone goes into surgery there is THE "What If" that goes along with that. I find this "what if" sneaking up on me during my daily activities- when I get on the treadmill, there it is. When I'm taking a shower, there it is again. And worst of all when I look at my sweet Bennett's face and see him smile (which he's starting to do a lot by the way), there it is and it breaks my heart. I know I have to force this thought out of my head and literally cast all my fears and anxieties on God but I hate that this thought keeps coming up in my head. I know it's not from God though so as soon as it enters my head I try to ignore it. Besides it's out of my hands, as if worrying about it would change the outcome.
I think through out this whole process (finding out that Bennett had Down syndrome during pregnancy and his heart defect) I've realized that you can literally waste your life away worrying. You can really miss out on the joys of life. There are so many things that I could worry about concerning Bennett now, next year and 10 years from now but it won't change anything and it only brings me grief so why bother? There is a reason God tells us to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own"-Matthew 6:34. He wants us to enjoy each day as we live it and to not worry or plan so much into the future and to rely on him and let him handle our worries.
It's funny because sometimes I feel like if Bennett could talk he'd say "Mommy, I know I'm kind of a big deal and all ;) but this Down syndrome thing really isn't, in the grand scheme of things, so chill out and relax!" He is totally oblivious to all of our worries and concerns and is happy and "as cool as a cucumber". So maybe I should follow his lead through out this journey. Obviously he is a baby and doesn't know any better but just because I do, by worrying it's almost like I'm assuming the worst will happen and not being faithful to God.
So I'm already feeling better about the surgery- just surrounding myself with positive thoughts now and I will try to get back to being "as cool as a cucumber" before Friday!:)
Hi Adrienne
ReplyDeleteI know exactly where you are at worrying about surgery.
I am praying for you and your little cutie. You are such a strong mom that I know you will get through this. I can't tell you not to worry because your a mom and it's your little baby..so I think it's just natural for us to worry.
For me the crazy thing was the night before surgery I had the most beautiful, peaceful night with my son. We laid in bed together and the connection was so unique that I will never forget that night.
Praying for you and Bennett to make it through this time with flying colours.
I know just what you're saying. We worry. We're moms. That's just what we do. However, I try really hard to not look to far ahead. I really do try just to live for today. Still though, it's hard.
ReplyDeleteWe'll be praying, praying, praying that all goes well. Also, praying for strength for you as well.
Hey Adrienne! I completely understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way before Siena's surgery. Bennett WILL do great! This surgery will make a world of difference for him. The doctors at CHOP know what they are doing. They do this surgery all the time. So take some comfort in knowing Bennett will be in some of the best hands in the world. CHOP is a great place and they will take very good care of Bennett. He will be in and out of that surgery before you know it! It will be tough for you to see Bennett before and after surgery. I just about died. i didn't cry though...I was strong as a rock which surprised me since I am not that strong of a person!!! :) Keep those positive thoughts going and if you feel like it, you can create a page on caringpages.com to keep everyone informed while his surgery is going on and during the recovery. CHOP has computers in the waiting room where you can update your page easily. Don't forget to go to the Connelly Resource Center, main building 8th floor..you can load up on snacks all kinds of teas or coffee and have a quiet moment. They have tons of magazines and I think a childrens book area for the girls if they will be visiting Bennett. It's a nice place to take a little break and regroup. Are you staying art the Ronald McDonald house? OH! Also not sure if I told you but I stayed in a very small room in the hospital the first night. Its just a bed and you have access to showers. It's for the families but hard to get a room. If you are interested and would like to stay close to Bennett the first night...tell them you want to fill out a form to get a room as soon as you get there. The rooms go quickly. If you have any questions, please feel free to call me or email!! Thinking of you and your family and praying for the best outcome for Bennett!! Positive thoughts!
ReplyDeleteTake Care, you strong Mama! :)
Steph
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI,like some of these other moms know the pain of having your child handed over for open heart surgery. It is scary, but know that your little man will do fine. you will not believe how different he will be, even right after his surgery... His color will be great and he will gain weight that you never thought he could gain. My prayers are with you, your family and especially the doctors. If you have any ?'s or jsut want to talk feel free to email me at narrettog@yahoo.com
Awww, hugs to you, sweet Bennett, and your family! I was blessed to have two children that have always been healthy as horses, so I can't even imagine what you're going through, gearing up for Bennett's surgery. You've got a great attitude, though, and that's so important.
ReplyDeleteOh, Adrienne, I wish I could give you a big ole mommy hug right now. I remember how scared I was before Lucy's surgery. I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, but we both know that won't do you a bit of good! (At least it didn't for me, when I was in your shoes!) I hope you find peace and comfort in the legions of prayers out there for Bennett.
ReplyDeleteWhen I would get really nervous about Lucy, I always felt better after reading this: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11.
Praying for your fears to ease and when it's time for Bennett's surgery for him to come through with flying colors!!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you sweet Mama :)
Hugs to you my friend. And you know, if you didn't worry and fret a little, I would worry. It's just natural to be worried about surgery....but I know Bennett will sail thru this with flying colors! I will be praying for you this whole week....each day....as you get prepared. You'll do great! He'll be a trooper!! Usually you do worse than they do!
ReplyDeleteGlad you made it back safely! Hope you had a great week!
But as parents, it's our job to worry, isn't it? Uh oh, now I'm worried about what to do if I don't worry. hehe. I'm just trying to be funny. I like Matthew 6:34.
ReplyDeleteStay cool Adrienne! I'm praying for smooth sailing through surgery and after for Bennett.
So well written! You are so right - worry adds absolutely nothing to our lives! It is a struggle for me as well - to let go and trust God.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you as you approach Friday. May God continue to give you perspective and peace!
I feel the exact same way, although we don't have a date for our daughter's surgery. I'm absolutely dreading the time when we need to hand her over to the doctors. But I know she wouldn't be able to survive without it.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking about Bennett this week and keeping him in my prayers.
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to not be "as cool as a cucumber." This is a HUGE surgery for anyone, especially a baby.
But, hospital staff are wonderful at knowing what to do for everything (even worried parents), and will take the best care of darling little Bennett.
I thought I was cool as a cucumber, until they wheeled Anthony away. Then, I freaked out, and I was so thankful my friend came along to be a support for me. My husband had had to stay home and work (3 hours away).
Anyways, what I mean with all this rambling is that it's ok to be worried, stressed, and be uncomfortable with not knowing how things will turn out. It's only natural. Bennett will be well taken care of though, and you need to make sure you have someone there for you, whether it's Mike or someone else who is close.
We'll be praying for Bennett, your family, and all of Bennett's medical team this week.
Thoughts and prayers with you, Bennett and the family as you approach his surgery date. Sending huge hugs!
ReplyDeletePraying for you all so much. Also you have a award on my blog. :)
ReplyDelete