Sunday, June 27, 2010

"So what is he, 4 months old?"

Yep, someone asked me that today while I helped in the church nursery. I was a little surprised but to give her credit there were two of the biggest 4-5 month old boys I'd ever seen in there and they were the same size if not a tad bigger than Bennett. Or maybe my baby sizes and ages has been slightly skewed since having Bennett. So I know he's small for his age but he's almost 21 pounds! 4 months, really??

Anyways, as I watched Bennett next to these other boys, these "typical" boys, for the first time, I saw the differences. I saw how big their hands were compared to Bennett's. I saw their giant feet and how big their ears were, almost looking like old men's ears next to my Bennett's petite ears. But then I saw the differences that I've been sheltered from for some time. I saw that in fact, my son does have Down syndrome and he is delayed. And it hurt. I'm not going to lie. It's not like I started crying or anything but I watched them as they put weight on their legs with ease, as they manipulated the toys and easily mimicked certain actions. They felt sturdy and solid. And it's not like they were doing more things than Bennett, it's just that they were doing things that took so long for Bennett to do and how sturdy they were on their legs really surprised me. They weren't sitting up but I knew it wouldn't be long before they did. And I knew their parents wouldn't think much about it. I know I didn't, with the girls. They hit their milestones and next thing you knew, they were hitting another one. But not with Bennett.

It was just a big reminder I guess. I'm not around other babies too much and if I am, I don't get a solid hour of one on one time with them like I did today. I wonder what the other women in there thought. "So what is he, 4 months old?" the woman asked. "No, actually he just turned a year, he's just little." I replied. Were they dying to ask- "Does he have Down syndrome?" Surely they could see it. I realize it's obvious now. But no one asked if he was crawling or walking to my surprise, they just offered him toys and smiled, treated him like the other boys.

Although I was sad for a little bit, I realized I didn't really wish for Bennett to be like them, the other boys. Bennett is who he is and he just wouldn't be himself without that extra chromosome. So yes, his hands and feet may be smaller. And he has petite ears (although perfectly shaped and proportionate to his head I must add)-lol. He's shorter than babies his age and he's not quite as sturdy and solid. He doesn't do all the things most 1 year olds do but I love him how he is. He's just perfect to me. He's our little buddy, and we just couldn't have him any other way.


25 comments:

  1. i am in a playgroup with babies from 4-10 months. they were all over at my house saturday. it was very obvious the difference between rachel and them, but i don't care at this moment. i'm actually happy she isn't jumping so quickly from milestone to milestone. i like enjoying her but, i would love for her to be able to sit since it would make MY life easier! i love your little bennet! someday we need to make the trip and meet eachother.

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  2. a bunch of my friends were pregnant at the same time as i was with addison, and i have a hard time sometimes looking through their picture albums. my baby actually is 4 months old (-:, but as i see all that their babies can already do that addison isn't doing- it does hurt. i do love addison for just being herself, but i wonder if that dare to compare ever goes away or stops hurting as much?

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  3. thank you for this post..I have been feeling the same way...I just had a similar experience...and at the end I was not crazy about it..I suprised myself...I really thought I was going to cry or go wierd...turns out I was so thankful that Maddie is Maddie...That Maddie is mastering her body better every day just like Bennett...you know what else I LOVE Maddie's personality...and would not trade her for the world...thanks for sharing...smiles

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  4. We have to cycle through these emotions.Acknowledge them and move on.Just part of the process.

    So true,that until we are around the their typical peers,we forget.And that sadness creeps for a moment,even a few moments.It is how long we dwell there that matters.

    Zoey is 3 and weighs 24 pounds ... hardly looks 3 and I get that all the time.As well as the occasional,"oh she doesn't look like she has Down syndrome." ..... really?????

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  5. This very thing happened to me in the church nursery a few weeks ago. It was a blow. It's one thing to know he's delayed; it's quite another to see it with your own eyes.

    Hugs!

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  6. Just the other day a woman said to me "So when is Luke turning one?" The answer "He's two and a half." "Oh, silly me, I lose track." This is not a friend but an acquaintance who manages to say something silly every time I see her. I guess she was just making small talk. Very small talk! Luke is small for his age, but now that he is walking is not very delayed at all, and is certainly doing things that a child who is not yet one is doing. My Emily was also pretty tiny and people always thought she was way younger than she really was- even though she was doing things like walking at 9 1/2 months. I think it's just a size thing but it still irritates me ;)
    I try not to compare with other kids, but it's sooooo hard!

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  7. I've been there before! When people think M is younger than she really is or ask if she's doing this & that and I have to say no, but I always add "she'll get there". Bennett is your beautiful baby and through all the therapy and hard work to reach his next milestones, who knows how many people's lives he will touch in the process.

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  8. I am like pp Deanna - I had several friends and my SIL preg the same time as me. Just Saturday we were at a picnic with one of those friends we have not seen since last summer. To see her 2-yr. old next to Anna was, I think, quite startling for them...I have gotten somewhat used to it b/c my nephew is only 2 wks. older and we see them regularly. What got me recently was when my friend who had a baby last summer sent a video of her not-yet 1-yr. old walking about. Ugh...will the "is she walking, yet?" questions ever end?

    Those moments can sting a little - but it is so true -- we wouldn't change Anna, like you wouldn't change Bennett, for anything. Even the delays that cause so much frustration (for us it is currently walking...Anna is a hefty 27 lbs and my biceps are ripped from hauling her around!) become not such a big deal because when that milestone is finally met - there will be so much joy and celebration - something that mother's of typical children may never get to experience.

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  9. Wow, those must have been some HUGE 4-5 month olds...Emily is barely pushing 19lbs so I wonder how small she would have looked??? You are right, whenever I spend time with babies I get that same wierd feeling...it's not sadness for me or for Emily, it's just a feeling that's there that I can't describe. I wonder if that will ever go away? I have to say though, Bennett is one of the most handsome little 1 year old boys I have ever seen, typical boys included!

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  10. Great post! There have been so many times I have had similar feelings. There is something about seeing other kids Joel's age do things that he can't quite do yet that is discouraging. I love how you ended your post. Bennett is Bennett and you love him just the way he is - just like I love Joel just the way he is! We are so blessed to have such amazing litte boys!

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  11. Last week a lady asked me the exact same thing-"Is he 4 months old?". When I told her that he is actually 10 months, she proceeded to ask if he was walking. Um, no. Talk about from one end of the spectrum to the other- 4 months to walking!:) We've been getting alot of those questions recently- crawling, walking, etc. Maybe because Charlie is so close to the year mark. Honestly, sometimes it bothers me and other times it doesn't. I guess it depends on the day, but in the end I can't imagine Charlie any other way. And I wouldn't change the pace of our lives with him for ANYTHING!! God knew C was exactly what we needed and we are truly blessed (as are you!!). He is absolutely amazing!
    In Him,
    E

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  12. And me! He's just perfect to me too!

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  13. I had this same thought this week at the doctors office. I think the main thing that caught my attention and made me pause and think was the walking. I saw a boy the age of Wysdom walking and he looked so big. I actually focused on each step and thought how easy it is for him. However then I met a lady who adopted twins who were the same age as Wysdom and who had their own challenges of being neglected by parents. They were small, didn't talk, walk or make any sounds at all. There are so many children out there and all have their own journey's. Yes our little ones have to work harder at certain things and that sometimes sucks. However I wouldn't change my Wysdom for anything! As I am sure you wouldn't change your Bennett for anything either. HUGS to you and your amazing boy.

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  14. Strange, the church nursery is the first place I took that sword in the stomach as well. Normally I spend more time with babies with Ds (in real life and on the blogs/FB) than with typical babies, so an hour volunteering in the nursery nearly killed me.

    Then one day I was told that Summer should be in a different room, with the walkers (even though she is not walking yet). They said she has more fun over there with those kids, and I realized that I was holding her back... silly me! So that same nursery is also where I learned that my baby is a big girl now.

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  15. Bennett is perfect. I know you already know this :) but hugs for having to hear silly people say silly things.

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  16. I've been there, several times over the last few months. I know 8 people that were pregnant at the same time I was and their babies (some younger) are all doing things above and beyond Sutter. At this point it's the sitting/balance and hand coordination that I notice the most, but soon it will be crawling, walking, talking....but he'll get there and so will Bennett!

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  17. oh, ugh..I feel your pain! I had someone ask me at Target if Parker was 8 months old the other day. "just turned 1.." I replied, "oh he's so small" is usually the comment I get..isn't it supposed to be easier to swallow each time you hear it? Sometimes I just feel like saying "yes!" and moving on, LOL. I haven't put Parker in the church nursery yet, but am dreading seeing the "typical" kids his age. Today at therapy I watched a little girl waiting on her sibling..she was 2 months younger than Parker, pulling up everywhere, standing, and taking steps. I felt myself catch my breath watching her. I'm sorry I took those things for granted with my others. But, we will celebrate our boys milestones and try not to focus on others. I know we have a strong group of ladies here lending an ear when we feel down! XO

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  18. adrienne, those days are so hard. and people really mean well, at least i think so. but unfortunately most speak without thinking first. it's so hard not to compare, we do it naturally don't we?, but at the same time, be patient! bennett is thriving and growing and doing so great. despite what that stranger said, try to feel content knowing that those who know him and love him realize the hard work and perserverance he has in him! personally, i think she was asking because she probably never saw a more beautiful baby!! he's so precious i could eat him up! in the meantime, we're here, listening, understanding, nodding our heads in agreement with every word you've written. hugs, friend.

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  19. I've had the same experiences... and I am so proud to say that our angels are perfect just the way they are!

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  20. This post made me cry! It is hard to see other kids the same age and younger do things that I know Owen is not doing yet. The boy refuses to crawl!! He is scooting on his bottom and seems to like that just fine. Owen will get there. Bennett will get there. All of our children will accomplish everything just like the rest of the world. But we will know what it took and will celebrate like no other!

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  21. I've been there too. My son (w/Ds) is 5 and my daughter is 2. She is tall for her age, and obviously my son is small. Still, Ainsley is shorter and acts and looks (to me) younger than Will. But a few weeks ago, I got my first twin question. I said "No, he's 5 and she's 2" and this lady was very surprised. I went on to say that he was small for his age and she's big for her age, but it didn't matter. I knew that question was going to come, I just didn't think it'd be so soon. Even though we wouldn't change our kiddos, it can be hard sometimes, no doubt.

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  22. Just last weekend a very distant relative at a graduation party was talking with me and making eyes at Little J. This relative is in a Masters/PhD program in child psychology/development. He was talking to Little J and holding his hand and then said, "with my expertise in child development I'm going to guess he's about 9 months." I tried not to laugh in his face when I said, "actually he's 22 months". The moral of the story is never guess anyone's age, simply ask.

    Beautiful children are simply that... beautiful children. Try not to get too stressed over the "nots", but focus on the "cans".

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  23. I had almost the same experience at church as well. I was sad too. I think it's part of the grieving process. It happened when my little guy was 10 months old. I realized how awesome all the typical babies could get around and move and babble. I had taken all those things for granted with my other babies. But, I love my little Mattie just the way he is!

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