"Letting go of our plans"

A friend of mine asked if I would write an article for her MOPS newsletter this week.  She asked that I write about our story with Bennett and what we've learned. It brought back some yucky feelings I had but good to see how far we've come....

As I sat in the patient room waiting for the doctor to come in, I knew something was wrong.  It was taking much longer than it usually did and I began to worry.  I was 17 weeks pregnant and up until this point things had gone well.  That was until 24 hours before when I realized some test results never came back in the mail like they should have when all was "normal".  As I sat there watching the door handle and waiting to hear the rustling of my chart, I envisioned a little girl.  I had no idea yet what we were having but I was sure it was a girl.   She was wearing a dress that matched her big sister but she didn't look like them and something was very, very wrong...she had Down syndrome.

The doctor finally came in and after too much small talk, my biggest fear was confirmed. The test results did not come back normal and the probability of my baby having Down syndrome was very high.  During the next few days further testing was done and on December 26, 2008 we found out through an amniocentesis that we would be having a little boy and he in fact had Down syndrome.  He also had a major heart defect that would require surgery.

That day was one of the worst days of my life.  I felt like the perfect baby we were supposed to be having was taken away from us.  So many terrible thoughts went through my head.  For a brief minute I thought to myself-maybe he won't survive, maybe his heart defect is too big to fix, maybe that would be for the better.  Having a child with special needs was NOT in my big life plan after all.  I did not sign up for it and really wanted no part of it.  I knew we had options, which thinking back now brings me to tears because although I would have never ended the pregnancy, it's estimated that 9 out of 10 women do.  9 out of 10 women didn't want the baby I was going to have.

Where was God in all of this?  I felt like he left us to sift through this huge mess. Did he just let our baby have Down syndrome and now he wasn't going to help us out?  As the weeks went on I  would think how did this happen to me?  I was a college athlete, did well in school, I was healthy.  Things came pretty easy to me and that's how it was supposed to be for my children...PRIDE.  I would see other pregnant women glowing, knowing nothing was wrong with their baby, all would be perfect for them....JEALOUSY.  I would read the statistics about children with Down syndrome and clinch my fists....ANGER.  And then I would see an adult with Down syndrome walking around in the store with most likely their elderly parent....SADNESS.  All these feelings:  pride, jealousy, anger, and sadness came to me and I couldn't understand why God was allowing all of this.  Why would he bring me such terrible feelings from a little baby I was about to have?

I had 5 months to prepare for this baby and in those 5 months I prayed a lot.  I began to realize that these feelings were not from God.  God isn't about pride, jealousy, anger or sadness.  He's about love.  And once I saw that my life plan was never really in my hands but in God's hands, I saw that this baby must be part of a much greater plan than mine.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

And then I realized that God didn't just let Down syndrome happen.  He made my son carefully just like he made my daughters but with a little something extra;)

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb,"

Psalm 139:13

In God's eyes my son was perfection.  He made him just the way He wanted to make him.  

Bennett is now 2 years old.  He has a fixed heart and is healthy as can be.  In the 2 years that he's been with us, he's brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined.  Never in a million years would I have thought having a son with Down syndrome would be such an amazing thing.  I feel like I've been given this little gift!  God gave us this beautiful little person to love and to cherish.  Through Bennett we've learned to be more accepting towards others that are different from us.  We learned a whole lot of patience.  We've learned to let go of our plans and give everything over to God.  We've learned to not sweat the small stuff.  We've learned that Bennett was made perfect in God's image and that we wouldn't change one thing about him.

Raising a child with special needs is hard, there's no doubt about it.  But the joy and love you experience is indescribable.  It's something I never thought I wanted, until I had it.  To think that so many women choose to not let these precious babies come into the world.  If they only knew the love that would come from it.

If they only let go of their plans and let God step in.  

Adrienne is the wife to Mike and mother to three:  Ainsley (7), Harper (4) and Bennett (3)

http://wwwourunexpectedjourney.blogspot.com