Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Son That Never Existed.

I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about how upset I was when I first found out that Bennett had Down syndrome. Almost immediately a little boys life flashed before my eyes. A boy I didn't even know but I felt I was losing him. Dreams that I had for this boy seemed to vanish, dreams that I had made up, dreams that we all make up. His face that I had envisioned seemed to vanish and even the names I had picked seemed to slip away. It was as if all of a sudden I was given this new child that I was not prepared for and that did not fit into my plans.

Now, I know that all of these feelings I had were normal and I don't think there is anything wrong with mourning the death of child you thought you were having. Because essentially that's what it feels like at first. However, I've come to realize that the child I had dreamed about and that I thought I was having never even existed. There was never a Bennett without Down syndrome. The moment Bennett was conceived, that extra chromosome was there.

When he was first born I used to wonder what he would look like if he didn't have Down syndrome or what he would be doing if he didn't have it. Would his eyes be big and round like Harper's? Would he be a strong baby and holding his head up more as an infant if he did not have DS? But now when I look at him, again I remind myself that there was never a little Bennett of mine without Down syndrome, he never existed. For some reason this thought puts me to tears, like really makes me cry but I don't think it makes me cry because I'm sad that there was never a Bennett without Down syndrome, I think it makes me realize how much of this life is not in my control and how God has his hands on everything and that's a good thing.

In the beginning I struggled so much with whether or not this just happened by mistake or if God knew this all along. Like when I was a little girl did God know that I would one day have two little girls of my own and then something special would happen and Bennett would be conceived? I struggled because I thought why would God cause this to happen, why would he want my son to have something that would cause him to be different or "not perfect"? But now I've come to believe that God allowed this to happen and although I do not know his plans or why it would happen to us, his ways are much bigger than my ways and it's okay to not know why. And for some reason it puts me at peace to know that this child I had in my mind, the child I thought I was having never was meant to be. Bennett, however was meant to be. He was perfectly placed in our family and not because we are special parents that have the strength to handle a child with special needs, because 1) we aren't and 2) we don't but because God has plans. And I'm so thankful I can now believe that Bennett was always the son I was meant to have, from the very beginning, just the way he is.

28 comments:

  1. Beautifully written! You are so right - God's plans are so much bigger than our plans. Bennett is a beautiful little boy and I am so glad that God allowed him to be born just the way he is. He has already blessed so many people just by being exactly who he is!

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  2. Such a awesome post & so well written. {{HUGS}}
    Caroline

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  3. Amen! Well said. These kids are truly a blessing and it's us who benefits from them. We are lucky to have them, not the other way around :)

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  4. Wow, I loved this post. You are so right on. Bennett knows God and God knows him, just like God knows all of us and we know him. He came just the way he was supposed to come and to the family he came to.

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  5. Thank you for this post. I have had such similar thoughts and haven't really shared them yet on my blog but I think you've given me the courage to do so. Thank you.

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  6. Adrienne, my name is Kele, I am not even sure how I found you, perhaps on a blog roll from one of my friend's blogs. Any how, I love this post and from it I went to 'our story' on your blog and read that... I am amazed at the similarities between us. I know that many, many people having a Ds child feel the way you speak of, but I guess it is just your wording and the way you write, it is very similar to 'our story', actually on our blog as well, regarding our little Presley, born February of 08. Many of the same thoughts and feelings.
    Anyway, I look forward to coming back, as you have a lovely blog, beautiful children and a BLESSED family!

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  7. It's interesting to me, that as I read through blogs of moms and dads who have been blessed with a child born with Down syndrome, the stories are always the same. The same feelings upon learning of our children and that they will be born with Ds. The feelings afterward. The peace that comes over each of us knowing that this was Gods plan. A plan we may never really understand. No doubt, this is what God had wanted for each of us. I'm sure of that now. Great post!

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  8. Brought me to tears...amazing post. Glad to see that everyone is doing well!! -Andrea

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  9. So beautiful! I had that same "lightbulb" moment with Lucy, and I think it made all the difference. In my grief, I remember thinking, "It wasn't supposed to be like this." And then I realized, yes it was. It was just that no one had told me! It was supposed to be exactly like this, I just didn't know it yet!! ~Courtney

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  10. I remember the same feelings when I found out W had DS. Wondering what he would be like and look like without DS and then one day it came to me that it would not be my sweet little William then.

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  11. i find it funny sometimes too, how i can find it in myself to question God and what HE has given me. ultimately, we find peace in knowing that it's ok for us not to know. because HE always does and loves us so.
    this is a beautiful post. thanks for sharing!
    p.s. bennett is absolutely adorable!
    how do you get anything done around the house?? i would spend every second of every day kissing those chubby cheekers!!

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  12. When I first learned of Jo's T18, I had these exact same thoughts. You were able to express them perfectly. Thanks. You've made me smile and realize again how beautiful my baby girl will be.

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  13. So, so true. It's neat to watch all the processes of this journey. I have similar thoughts and revelations all the time. :)

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  14. There is a book thru Focus on the Family that talks about grieving the child that should have been. It is a wonderful book and describes every emotion that we (I too walk the path you are walking. Let me share with you what God showed me. We get to see a side of God that not everyone else gets to see. Our children love for the sake of loving...that is who they are....not for who you are or what you can do for them. They love to love. Isn't God the same with us. He loves because He is love. So is your Bennett and my Caleb. I, too, questioned why with God, yet if given the opportunity to change my Caleb I don't think I would because Caleb is Caleb and God sees him as perfect...Caleb is exactly the way that God intended him to be and he has blessed my life in more ways than I can begin to say. God told me that His glory would be revelled thru Caleb and on a daily basis it is. It is the love that Caleb gives. Enjoy the journey! Jan

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  15. Beautifully written. I've had so many of the same thoughts and you put them perfectly into words.

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  16. I love this post and couldn't agree with you more. I have had all of the same feelings and you put those thoughts and feelings into words perfectly! Bennett is such a doll!

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  17. Adrienne....I have been reading your blog for a while now, and I try to comment each time, but really felt the need to tell you thanks for doing such a fantastic blog, this blog specificly come to me personally and I just want to say thanks for that.I pray God bless you guys,you have a beautiful family.

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  18. Adrienne, I was so glad I saw your post! The most painful part of hearing the diagnosis for me was the feeling like I had lost the baby I had been carrying for nine months. I know with all my being that God made Chase just the way he is for reasons so loving and good. And I love Chase like crazy! But I still feel that pain as if a baby really was lost somewhere along the road. I wonder if I'll eventually shake that memory.... time will tell I guess. Glad to hear someone had a similar experience - thanks for shanring!

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  19. Once again, you've done it Adrienne...you managed to give me new insight into my child's life. You just make it all seem so clear and you are right....this is the way Ella was from the moment that first cell divided. Thanks!!

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  20. Adrienne - So well written and I am with you sister on the journey. Hugs to all of you!!

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  21. I got chills reading this. It is so true and beautiful.

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  22. I know the feeling!! I felt just like you at the time when my Kristófer was born, I have my story at our page. Your son is so cute and he was ment to be :)
    love from ICeland.

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  23. Don't we "what if" ourselves to death? Bennett is the cutest doll ever! If my husband would let me, I'd adopt one EXACTLY like Bennett in a heartbeat! =)

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  24. Well said, my friend. God chose us to be their parents......and I'm soooo glad! Wouldn't change a thing!!!

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  25. GREAT post :) as everyone else said, you worded it perfectly and expressed what all of us have felt/do feel!

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  26. This was so touching, I pretty much cried through the entire post. I would read it to myself, also, replacing every time you said Bennett with my daughter's name: Olivia. The things you wrote are just so true, sent straight from the Father's heart too.

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  27. Beautiful post. And I do believe that God knew all along that he would be sending your sweet little Bennett to you one day.

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  28. Beautifully written--and I totally understand where those emotions come from. But Ainsley was always meant to be Ainsley, just the way she is. God has a great plan for our little ones!

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