Monday, October 31, 2011

The Son That Never Existed.

I wrote this back when Bennett was just 5 months old.  So in honor of Down syndrome awareness month....

I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about how upset I was when I first found out that Bennett had Down syndrome. Almost immediately a little boys life flashed before my eyes. A boy I didn't even know but I felt I was losing him. Dreams that I had for this boy seemed to vanish, dreams that I had made up, dreams that we all make up. His face that I had envisioned seemed to vanish and even the names I had picked seemed to slip away. It was as if all of a sudden I was given this new child that I was not prepared for and that did not fit into my plans.

Now, I know that all of these feelings I had were normal and I don't think there is anything wrong with mourning the death of child you thought you were having. Because essentially that's what it feels like at first. However, I've come to realize that the child I had dreamed about and that I thought I was having never even existed. There was never a Bennett without Down syndrome. The moment Bennett was conceived, that extra chromosome was there.

When he was first born I used to wonder what he would look like if he didn't have Down syndrome or what he would be doing if he didn't have it. Would his eyes be big and round like Harper's? Would he be a strong baby and holding his head up more as an infant if he did not have DS? But now when I look at him, again I remind myself that there was never a little Bennett of mine without Down syndrome, he never existed. For some reason this thought puts me to tears, like really makes me cry but I don't think it makes me cry because I'm sad that there was never a Bennett without Down syndrome, I think it makes me realize how much of this life is not in my control and how God has his hands on everything and that's a good thing.

In the beginning I struggled so much with whether or not this just happened by mistake or if God knew this all along. Like when I was a little girl did God know that I would one day have two little girls of my own and then something special would happen and Bennett would be conceived? I struggled because I thought why would God cause this to happen, why would he want my son to have something that would cause him to be different or "not perfect"? But now I've come to believe that God allowed this to happen and although I do not know his plans or why it would happen to us, his ways are much bigger than my ways and it's okay to not know why. And for some reason it puts me at peace to know that this child I had in my mind, the child I thought I was having never was meant to be. Bennett, however was meant to be. He was perfectly placed in our family and not because we are special parents that have the strength to handle a child with special needs, because 1) we aren't and 2) we don't but because God has plans. And I'm so thankful I can now believe that Bennett was always the son I was meant to have, from the very beginning, just the way he is.


  1. Oh Amen! God is Sovereign. Nothing is accidental. Your family is precious and I enjoy reading about it through your eyes!

  2. Hooray for you Bennett!! You look great! I am so happy for you and for your family! I loved seeing this and knew you would decide to do it someday! On to new discoveries big boy! Congratulations on the successful move and it looks like you are settling in and the girls are doing well. I miss you but am glad you are all doing well and are closer to your families. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving! Give Bennett a hug and a high five on a job well done and a pat on the back for you, too Adrienne! Take care. Gail

  3. Love this! This is exactly what I think and go through at times. I wonder what Calvin would look like, etc and then realize Calvin is who he is and I cannot imagine life without him :)

  4. I just found your blog and read this post. It blesses me in so many ways to read this - really. Your words are eloquent, and Bennett is absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  5. I stumbled across your blog through pinterest (the monogram wreath), and commented on your gorgeous Christmas tree, then kept reading, and this post almost brought me to tears! My 4 year old, Aiden, has autism, and though ASD and DS are very different, I know the feeling of mourning for the child you thought you would have. Everyone has a different opinion on the cause of autism, whether the child is born with it or attains it somehow. Aiden was my first, and he was hitting all his milestones aside from speech, then when the words never came we began looking into what was wrong and eventually got the autism diagnosis. Now that I have had another child, I am seeing so many differences in my daughter who is "typical" and Aiden, things that aren't on those well-visit checklists, and things noone else in my family pointed out, things I didn't see as a new parent. Now I know Aiden has always been a little different, and has always had autism, and it makes it so much easier to accept. Aiden has brought me so much happiness, and any developmental gains he makes are so much more special! I don't know why I felt the need to ramble on like that, but anyways, you have a beautiful family, and thanks for sharing!


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